Exercise 5.10 Stovall
Binge drinking at fraternity parties have become a huge issue as students from LSU and MIT have recently suffered alcohol poisoning.
One student from LSU and one from MIT recently died due to alcohol poisoning which has caused the universities to crack down on their policies. One university president has restated a policy that bans alcohol from fraternity houses located on campus property or within campus environs.
Three students from the Alpha Beta Zeta fraternity were admitted to a local hospital this past weekend with alcohol poisoning after a party at the fraternity’s house. Press Martin, junior and Rob Smith, sophomore, were released from the hospital Monday morning. Al Amalek, freshman, remains in the hospital in critical condition.
The ABZ fraternity has since been suspended and the university is also considering increasing police patrols of fraternity houses on weekends.
Alcohol poisoning is a serious and deadly thing; These recent events should be a wake-up call for all fraternities.
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Hey caitlin, okay so here are some suggests I have for revising this article:
1. I think your lead may be in the passive voice and needs to be made into a more active voice. I suggest switching around the first two paragraphs with the third one.
2 Although you do have the date of “this past weekend” I think it’s too vauge. Putting Sunday morning might make it more clear.
3. Because the directions of this article is to make a longer article I think it would but good to add a quote from the data set. Or, maybe add some more of the facts released from the college. For example, who did “you” talk to that gave you this information? How long is the fraternity suspensed? (I know the article says indefinitely but that might be something worth adding).
Maybe you could add something and take out the first sentence, because the second sentence is basically saying the same thing.
1. Agree with Nikki that your lead should be about the local students, not about the deaths at MIT and LSU.
2. Your last paragraph is opinion and shouldn’t be in this news story.
3. The suspension should be a bigger deal; readers of this paper would presumably be interested in that.